What we resist, persists.

That quote, often attributed to personal growth guru Tony Robbins, is an inconvenient and irritating truth.

Inconvenient and irritating because when you’re in the midst of a strong emotion or thought pattern (usually brought on by our reaction to things we can’t control) the last thing you want to hear is just another version of “go with the flow.”

Say you’ve just learned your job is going away, or you’ve just moved your only child to college for the first time. Or, there’s a coworker who has a surgical and sneaky way of getting underneath your skin. Or you have to go to a cocktail party and your introverted self – to whom the thought of minor surgery without anesthesia is more appealing than spending two hours making small talk – is screaming “No, I will NOT do it!”

But what if this reaction is perfectly fine?

Not that we can stay in the “ABSOLUTELY NOT” mindset permanently, though, because very often despite our best efforts to control everything around us, situations change, people change, our world changes. And we don’t get a vote.

As someone who deals with anxiety, I’ve started seeing a pattern of stages we go through when faced with situations like this. Because you can’t simply go from “I will not” and “Make it go away” to a Zen-like dreamy, “whatever” in two seconds. If you can, you’re a unicorn, and you should write a book.

Here are what I’ve defined as the 5 Stages of Resistance:

1. Rejecting: We first find out about something that causes major mental and emotional upheaval, and the first thing we do is say, no, I won’t, I can’t, it’s not happening.
   
2. Resenting: It’s becoming clear that the “thing” we said isn’t happening, is, in fact, happening, and we’re pissed. Why should this happen to us? It’s not right. This is where we get a little or a lot peeved at the event or person(s) behind the thing. There’s a whole lot of stewing going on in this stage.
   
3. Releasing: Around this point, when it’s clear that our best efforts won’t stop the “thing”, we start to let go a bit. And as we release, we allow some new thoughts to form. This is happening anyways, so how can I get through it?
   
4. Relaxing: More releasing, more opening, more ideas on how to find good in the situation, maybe even tools on how to deal with your inner angst.
   
5. Receiving: The highest level we can get to. Our mindset changes from complete closure to expansive opening. What good can I receive? Maybe I’ll meet someone interesting at that cocktail party. Maybe when Joey goes off to college, I’ll finally sign up for yoga teacher training. Maybe just letting go of my coworker’s behavior gives me peace, and that’s enough?

It’s okay to be in any of the stages, and always remember to give ourselves grace no matter where we are. But it’s the last stage that truly frees us if we can get there.

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