You’re driving to work, traffic is whizzing along, you’re singing with the 70s station, and suddenly, brake lights, then orange barrels, and then the dreaded sign that says “Freeway down to one lane ahead.”

So, you creep through the mess, crabby, frustrated and impatient. You finally get down to one lane, the nexus of the whole morass, and there’s nothing there. Just a bunch of useless barrels and barricades, shutting you off from five beautifully clear lanes of concrete.

What the *&%#$*@? Why would anyone do this?

Yet that is exactly what we do to ourselves.

If you believe (as I do) that joy, abundance, fulfillment, health, happiness and love are our birthright, and that these flow to us, have always flowed to us and will always flow to us unimpeded, then why aren’t we joyful, abundant, fulfilled, healthy, happy and loving?

One reason is because we’ve built some pretty robust roadblocks in the form of limiting thoughts, beliefs and behaviors.

Let’s take abundance. If you approach life from the position of “lack” – what you don’t have – whether it’s money, a relationship, a job you like, etc., then “lack” is all you will see. And even if you do get a little wink from the Universe in the form of an unexpected check in the mail, if you’ve got your “lack-vison” goggles on, your response might be suspicion, or “I don’t deserve this,” instead of feeling gratitude that grace broke through your barricade.

But we can condition an expectation of abundance, and affirmations are a great starting point. If said repeatedly and with conviction, they morph into much healthier beliefs. My favorites are “I’m grateful for the abundance that is heading my way” or “abundance flows easily to me.” Saying this may feel uncomfortable at first, but not because it’s not true, just because it’s unfamiliar for most of us to expect such radical goodness.

Knowing that abundance takes many forms can change your perspective, too. Money may not be plentiful at the moment, but you have a beautiful, healthy family or an incredible network of friends. Gratitude also helps condition abundance. If you begin each morning with thanks for the abundance you do have and all that is headed your way, you might be surprised how much more you’ll notice and attract.

I got this.

I can handle this.

I don’t need any help.

Sound familiar? For most of us, it’s our go-to answer when faced with life’s inevitable difficulties. And most of the time, we do a darned good job. But sometimes life zings us a 95 mph Max Scherzer four-seam fastball that leaves the best of us wondering what the hell just happened.

Maybe it’s a serious illness. The loss of a job. Or someone you love is struggling. All these things can be totally overwhelming and leave you with a strong desire to crawl into bed, channel your inner Grizzly and hibernate for a month or two or 20.

While this escape may bring momentary comfort, all the things that sent you running — the illness, job search, despondent family member – are right there when you decide to rejoin civilization.

As hard as it is, sometimes for our own peace of mind and growth, we need to ask for help. It’s as close as a friend, family member, a support group or our faith. But maintaining the mantra “I don’t need help. I should be able to handle this” isn’t strength.

It’s pride. And not the healthy varietal.

Admitting that we aren’t the General Manager of the Universe, and that we can’t do everything on our own is not weakness. It is not a character flaw. It is not a sign that you are somehow deficient in emotional or mental fortitude.

It is awareness and surrender and grace. And in a very unexpected way, you end up being stronger.

 

 

 

There’s a well-known parable from Shantideva, an 8^th century Buddhist monk, who said that trying to control the world rather than working on one’s own self is like trying to cover the world with leather to avoid the pain of walking on stones and thorns. It is much simpler to put leather on your own feet.

It is an interesting metaphor to remember when we’re rattled at work, the boss is grumpy, your co-workers are negative or the vending machine is out of Diet Pepsi. The habitual reaction is to think, geez, if only he’d be a little more considerate, or they’d stop complaining, or the catering company would check their machines once in a while, I’d be having a good day now.

These thoughts are the red flag that you’re trying to shoe the earth.

The answer to angst is not to try to cover the world with leather (control everything and everyone), but to work our own thoughts and reactions.

• The boss is grumpy – Know it’s very likely not your fault and compassionately wish him or her peace.
• Negative co-workers – Don’t engage in the negative energy, and walk away (making use of those “leather shoes”)
• Empty vending machines – In the larger picture of life, this isn’t even a millionth of pixel. And you have other choices.

It takes a lot of practice, depending on how deeply etched your reactions are. But it is very, very possible to find peace and centeredness in any situation, whether it’s to your liking or not.

The doorbell rings, you look through the peephole and sigh.

It’s that pinched face who’s always fretting, knotting her handkerchief, worrying about what’s going to happen tomorrow and how she can control it. Or the one covered by a creepy monster mask, who keeps peeking in the window. Or maybe it’s the face you secretly call Eeyore, who slumps in, shoulders and head down, and mumbles, “The sky has fallen. Always knew it would.”

Hello Anxiety, Fear and Depression.

When these or other strong emotions come calling, they’re almost like old friends because they’re so familiar. They’re comfortable in that uncomfortable sort of way — like your old sweatshirt with cat-claw holes and spaghetti sauce stains that you wear anyway.

So how do you break the pattern and get them to leave?

Slamming the door doesn’t work. The feelings will sit on the door step, or hide around the corner, or just stand there ringing the doorbell until you deal with them.

Inviting them in and telling them they can stay indefinitely in the guest room doesn’t work. They’ll drive you crazy, and the longer you hang onto them, the harder it is to get rid of them.

Here are a couple of ways I’ve found helpful to diffuse their power:

“I see you, I know you’re there.” Sometimes just the acknowledgment of the strong emotion is enough to deflate it a bit – remove some of the power it has over you.

“I hear you, let’s talk tomorrow, okay?” When you hear the familiar voices piping up (and they tend to get very active right when you’re trying to go to sleep), this response may bring some relief. You’re not denying the feelings or thoughts, just putting them on short-term hold.

Wanna dance? Do some Karaoke? I don’t know about you, but the idea of foxtrotting with Fear or singing “I Got You Babe” with Depression is enough to make me giggle. And sometimes a quick change of mental scenery (aka breaking your pattern) is enough that the emotions hightail it for the door.

My Why is bigger than yours. Once, when I had to confront a difficult person, as much distress as that caused, I also know deep in my gut that it had to be done. That “why” was strong enough to give me power over fear vs. it having power over me.

And sometimes, if they won’t stop chattering away about old misdeeds or sky-is-falling scenarios, give them a lollipop. That will keep them busy for a while.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Like so many people, I thrive on accomplishment and plan my days around a very detailed to-do list. My tasks are color-coded by type, and yes, I’ll admit to putting something on my to-do list after I’ve done it just so I can check it off.

But did you ever get to the end of a day and even though every task is complete, you don’t feel good about how you got there?

You got all your errands done, but were crabby to the checkout clerk and gave a slower driver a dirty look. Or you got the project completed, but took it over yourself to meet the deadline instead of mentoring a new employee on how to do it. Or you simply plowed your way through the to-do list and at the end of the day were too tired to engage with your loved ones.

Clearly getting everything done doesn’t equal fulfillment. But what if we woke up in the morning and did a To-Be list as well?

So along with planning your daily to-do’s, you can write down who you want to be as you move through the day – maybe peaceful and present resonate with you. Or centered and calm. Or patient. Or positive. (And it’s perfectly okay to need a day with no tasks, just to be mindful and take care of yourself.)

Then at the end of the day, you have not only accomplished what you needed to, but were in alignment and more fulfilled in the process.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s early February, about the time for all good New Year’s resolutions to have settled quietly into the distant exuberance of Jan. 1.

In fact, according to New Year’s resolution statistics at http://www.statisticbrain.com, almost 92 percent of people either have infrequent success or fail in their resolutions each year.

But why is that? Do we really NOT want to lose our muffin top, get in shape or stop cussing thunderclouds? Clearly some resolutions are a “should,” not a “must,” but many people have the best of intentions to improve their lives.

So, what do you do? One idea lies in the most unlikely of places: the  Japanese manufacturing philosophy known as Kaizen, which translates into “small steps, major changes.”

In his book “One Small Step Can Change Your Life,” Robert Maurer, PhD., writes that big goals trigger big fear.

The amygdala, often called the “reptilian brain” and the on-off switch for the fight/flight/freeze response, is wired to see major change as major danger. It can try to stop us any time we stray out of our normal, safe routines.

But our lizard brain doesn’t know the difference between our deciding to venture into saber-toothed tiger territory or venturing into (or out of) a new relationship, job or creative passion.

And when its fight/flight/freeze system gets activated, it causes physical changes, including shutting off or slowing down access to the cortex, our “thinking brain” and center of our creativity and problem-solving ability.

So, one solution around this issue is to quietly tiptoe around the amygdala by taking small steps, Maurer says. Instead of broadcasting on Jan. 1 that you will lose 50 pounds by Fat Tuesday, you decide to eliminate dessert once a week, or walk up one flight of stairs daily. And before you know it, the small change takes hold and your progress accelerates.

Small steps can apply to other areas of life as well – paying a coworker a small compliment, smiling at the Starbuck’s barista, letting someone merge in front of you in a traffic jam. These things, while they certainly help make others feel good, benefit us as well in the form of lowered stress, a sense of fulfillment, and an uplifted mood.

What’s one small step you can take today?

 

A strip of metal once rested comfortably on a low shelf in a factory. It remained there a long time, collecting dust. One day a workman picked it up, carried it to a bench, and began to twist it out of its usual shape.

“Why are you doing this to me?” shouted the alarmed and frightened piece of metal.

“To enable you to see wonders beyond your imagination,” said the workman. “Just now it seems all strange and frightening, but someday you will be very glad. You see, I am turning you into a telescope.”

This story by author and teacher Guy Finley really describes how change and uncertainty feel sometimes — like we’re being twisted out of our usual shape and we don’t understand why.

We like to think that if the Universe is for us, then life will be a certain way. We expect and feel entitled to certain outcomes. If I work my tail off, I’ll be recognized and well compensated. If I do things for other people, they will always appreciate and love me back. If I keep my life neat and organized, I will avoid anxiety and chaos.

But when these things don’t happen, it suddenly shakes our faith. It’s like opening up a Christmas present we hope is the Easy-Bake Oven we asked for, but to our dismay, it’s a brown wool sweater. Rats. Maybe there isn’t a Santa Claus after all.

And oh, how easy it is to slide into the “why me?” and “Oh my God” and “I can’t handle it” stories. But as comfortable as those stories are, they keep us in victim mode and stuck.

Just because an outcome is not the one we want doesn’t mean we’re on the naughty list or that the Universe is conspiring against us. How many times in life has something happened that seemed so painful at the time but led you to a much better situation? Often, the times of our greatest grief end up being the times of greatest growth.

And while the process is uncomfortable to go through, like the piece of metal, we do get through it, much stronger and more capable on the other side.

 

 

Every morning as part of my daily ritual, I take two gummy vitamins for my body, and a mega dose of vitamin G – gratitude – for my spirit. When I do this regularly, I am much happier, more centered and accepting. It is hard to be thankful and resentful at the same time.

I am incredibly grateful for all the abundance in my life – love, family, friends and so many other blessings. I’m grateful for where I am and who I am, and for living in alignment with my purpose. I’m thankful for all of you and your feedback – posted or shared verbally.

Since I’m feeling such an attitude of gratitude, I thought I’d share some of my favorite quotes on the topic:

“Do not ask for more before saying, ‘Thank you’ for everything you have already received.” ―John Geiger

“Gratitude turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity…it makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” ―Melody Beattie

“Count your blessings while others are adding up their troubles.” ―William Penn

“At times, our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” ― Albert Schweitzer

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” ―William Arthur Ward

“Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings.” ―William Arthur Ward

“Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.” ―Brian Tracy

“Realize that it’s not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy. Make a habit of noticing the goodness that’s already yours and you will see more of it every time you look for it.”  ―MarcandAngel.com

“If the only prayer you say in your life is thank you, that would suffice.” — Meister Eckhart

I don’t know when it happens exactly, but at some point, it seems we go from experiencing life from head to toe to experiencing life just from the head. The two get disconnected, and at their worst, start battling each other.

My head often refers to my body as the Basement – something only to cart her 4-pound Majesty around. In turn, my body often thinks of my head as the Attic, and a haunted one at that.

It’s like the World Boxing Championship on some days. (Cue announcer’s voice): “In one corner, weighing four pounds, is The Head!” “In the other corner, weighing 112 pounds, is The Body!” And they go at it.

Here’s what happens:

You wake up, go and look in the mirror, and immediately think, “oh God, not another wrinkle,” or “Geez, I look fat today.” And in the ring, the body goes down in shame.

Or your head, lover of the idea of a human doing vs. being, runs the body ragged with all its “to-dos” and “shoulds” and doesn’t let it rest enough. So, the body fights back and gets sick, maybe a nice little strep throat or mono, and there’s not much the head can do but let the basement heal before it cracks the whip again.

But what if.

What if instead of waking up in the ring and starting the fight, the head and body approached each other and hugged? What if they listened to each other instead of trading insults like an old married couple? What if the head realized the body isn’t a basement at all but a powerhouse of intelligence?

Neurocardiologists at the Institute of HeartMath have found that 60 to 65 percent of heart cells are neuron cells, not muscle cells. This discovery has led to experiments proving the heart works similar to the brain and in some ways, they say, is even superior to the brain. Take that, Attic! And there are even more neurons in your gut, leading neuroscientists to refer to it as the “second brain.”

Science aside, when we can expand our awareness and decision-making to our body – listening to gut feelings, intuition and our heart — we can make much better choices and enjoy life far more. The body appreciates being listened to and will respond lovingly. And the head finds more peace and bliss in settling down and letting go.

 

 

 

Did you ever see the Big Bang Theory episode where Amy tries to employ behavior modification on Sheldon’s obsessive need for closure? She erases the tic-tac-toe game before anyone can win, stops singing the national anthem at the second-to-last-line, and makes him box up his elaborate domino layout before he can push the first tile and watch them fall in succession.

It’s a humorous look at our need for certainty and the lengths we’ll go to get it. I can relate a lot to Sheldon, especially at times when there’s a lot ambiguity and I’m feeling stuck or overwhelmed.

When stress hits and hits hard, we go to our strongest or most deep-seated patterns of behavior because they bring us comfort (even if they’re not healthy). Some people get angry and lash out. Some shut down and isolate. My go-to vehicle for certainty is worrying and trying to control what happens by organizing the heck out of my current chaos. But my elaborate color-coded to-do lists and spreadsheets — while they work to a point — don’t always guarantee closure, complete a project, heal the sick kitty or sell the house.

And when you have a high need for certainty, as I do, you can’t just suddenly shed it and become a free spirit who simply tosses her hair and says “whatever” a lot. You just need to find a different, healthier vehicle to meet your need.

So I need to return to releasing outcomes. Letting go seems to be the antithesis of certainty, but if I accept things for what they are, do my very best and trust I’ll get through whatever happens, I get to certainty in a much healthier and more peaceful way.

And p.s., I think they call that faith.