personal-development

Redirecting Our Mindset: Breaking Free from the Grip of Negative Thinking

/ Debbie Frakes / Leave a comment

“If you hold an anti-war rally, I shall not attend. But if you hold a Pro-Peace rally invite me.”

That is perhaps one of Mother Teresa’s most famous quotes. And it has always stuck with me – that she persistently focused on what she was for: Love and peace. Not what she was against: Hatred and fighting.

Of the 60,000 or so thoughts most of us have in a given day, it’s likely that a good percentage focus on what we’re against. This political party or that one. This issue or that one. This network or that one. This person or that one.  What irritates us, what we hate. And all of this negative thinking gets us into a full-fledged state of anxiety and dis-ease that hangs around like Pigpen’s dust cloud.

If you’re tired of going through your days like this, it’s entirely possibly to change this pattern. And good news! That’s what it is: A pattern we’re running — like a rogue bit of software we’ve programmed into ourselves over years of thinking the same thoughts.

Not saying changing it is easy. If we’ve been thinking negative thoughts for a long time, they’ve figuratively created grooves in our neural networks. Ever tried to ski a cross-country trail and NOT slide into the already laid tracks that have been gone over hundreds of times? Pretty hard to do.

But even if 59,999 of our daily thoughts are negative, we’re not doomed to live our lives this way. Our brains are what neuroscientists call “plastic,” which means they can grow new neurons and neural connections – no matter how old we are.

So how do we do it? Here are some tools to consider:

  • Catch: We can start to be more aware of what’s churning around in our head and notice when we’re hating on something (and maybe even what triggered it).
  • Accept: No need to judge yourself. You wouldn’t condemn your computer for running the software it was programmed with, would you?
  • Replace: Neuroscientists and psychologists are finding that it’s difficult to just erase a thought or stop a behavior without replacing it with something else. So, for example, every time you see a person on TV that makes your blood simmer, you think of someone that you love. Your hubby. Or wife. Mom. Dad. Puppy. You see Hated Face, you think of mom. See Hated Face, think of mom. So you learn to internally pair the two to the point where seeing Hated Face triggers seeing Loved Face.

If you’re bothered by your negative thoughts and want some relief, the invitation is open to giving these steps a try. And let us know how they work.

The Paradox of Setting Boundaries to Free Ourselves

/ Debbie Frakes / Leave a comment

Would you go wash your neighbors’ car in their driveway if it was dirty?

Plant a tree on their lawn?

Paint their house?

Throw a wild party in their backyard?

Of course not.  And if someone did these things to us, we’d feel massively violated. Because there’s a thing called legal property lines that most of us are well aware of and respect (even if we can’t see them).

There’s also something called personal property lines, but many people aren’t aware of them, and some just flat out don’t respect them (even though these boundaries are just as or more important as the ones on file at city hall).

For example, many of us don’t think twice about allowing a friend’s addictive behavior to keep our lives in upheaval because we think always being there means we can fix him. Or we let a coworker’s abuse and bullying denigrate our sense of self-worth because we’re afraid to stand up to her.

In both cases, we’ve let those people bulldoze across our personal property lines. And in a very harmful way.

I love the way author Melody Beattie writes about this subject: “If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person. Other peoples’ choices are their property, not ours.”

Author and podcaster Mel Robbins also covers this topic beautifully in her best-selling new book “The Let Them Theory”:

“When you say Let Them, you’re not giving up or walking away. You’re releasing that grip you have on how things should go and allowing them to unfold the way they will go. You’re freeing yourself.

“You’re making an active, empowered choice to release control you never truly had. You stop giving power to other people and forces outside of you, and you reclaim it for yourself.”

If we’ve let people violate our property lines again and again, it can be hard to suddenly start enforcing our boundaries. To tell that addicted friend: “I love you, but your behavior is unacceptable to me. I can’t help you, and until you get professional help, you can’t be part of my life right now.” To tell that colleague: “Your comments about me are inappropriate and demeaning, and it needs to stop now.”

This is where we take our power back. It’s really necessary for our own emotional, mental and physical health. And it’s so freeing.

The Five Stages of Resistance

/ Debbie Frakes / 1 Comment

What we resist, persists.

That quote, often attributed to personal growth guru Tony Robbins, is an inconvenient and irritating truth.

Inconvenient and irritating because when you’re in the midst of a strong emotion or thought pattern (usually brought on by our reaction to things we can’t control) the last thing you want to hear is just another version of “go with the flow.”

Say you’ve just learned your job is going away, or you’ve just moved your only child to college for the first time. Or, there’s a coworker who has a surgical and sneaky way of getting underneath your skin. Or you have to go to a cocktail party and your introverted self – to whom the thought of minor surgery without anesthesia is more appealing than spending two hours making small talk – is screaming “No, I will NOT do it!”

But what if this reaction is perfectly fine?

Not that we can stay in the “ABSOLUTELY NOT” mindset permanently, though, because very often despite our best efforts to control everything around us, situations change, people change, our world changes. And we don’t get a vote.

As someone who deals with anxiety, I’ve started seeing a pattern of stages we go through when faced with situations like this. Because you can’t simply go from “I will not” and “Make it go away” to a Zen-like dreamy, “whatever” in two seconds. If you can, you’re a unicorn, and you should write a book.

Here are what I’ve defined as the 5 Stages of Resistance:

  1. Rejecting: We first find out about something that causes major mental and emotional upheaval, and the first thing we do is say, no, I won’t, I can’t, it’s not happening.
  2. Resenting: It’s becoming clear that the “thing” we said isn’t happening, is, in fact, happening, and we’re pissed. Why should this happen to us? It’s not right. This is where we get a little or a lot peeved at the event or person(s) behind the thing. There’s a whole lot of stewing going on in this stage.
  3. Releasing: Around this point, when it’s clear that our best efforts won’t stop the “thing”, we start to let go a bit. And as we release, we allow some new thoughts to form. This is happening anyways, so how can I get through it?
  4. Relaxing: More releasing, more opening, more ideas on how to find good in the situation, maybe even tools on how to deal with your inner angst.
  5. Receiving: The highest level we can get to. Our mindset changes from complete closure to expansive opening. What good can I receive? Maybe I’ll meet someone interesting at that cocktail party. Maybe when Joey goes off to college, I’ll finally sign up for yoga teacher training. Maybe just letting go of my coworker’s behavior gives me peace, and that’s enough?

It’s okay to be in any of the stages, and always remember to give ourselves grace no matter where we are. But it’s the last stage that truly frees us if we can get there.