Many of us fuse to our jobs like marriage – we promise to love, honor and obey in profit and loss, growth and downsizing, till death or bankruptcy do us part.

It’s very easy to lose your sense of self, because most of us come to believe we “are” our job, and our whole identity is summed up in a 2 x 3 card bearing our name, title and company logo. We’ve been taught we are only as worthy as our accomplishments or accolades, which will be ours if we just work hard enough.

In pursuit of that, many of us continue to be wed to an unappreciative company or boss, putting in 12-14 hours a day and getting little gratitude, attention, or reward. It’s like the disinterested spouse hearing the litany of your day’s accomplishments and responding, “Okay, but you forgot the ketchup, and the cat litter isn’t cleaned.”

So, we double down and work harder, sure that appreciation or reward will be around the next corner, after the next project, after the next big sale. Again, we get little acknowledgment of our efforts. But we do get another project to handle because no one else will do it. And we take it on – thinking surely “If I knock this out of the park, they’ll finally recognize my worth.”

And the cycle continues – not too different from continuing to put money in a slot machine and believing the jackpot will pour out, coins clinking and lights flashing after the next pull of the lever. Red shoes of the highest order.

I see this so clearly in others now because I have been that person at times in my life (it’s like being a former smoker who can smell cigarette smoke three blocks away).

The choices I’ve made no longer place me in these situations. In some cases, I’ve walked away. But the peace and serenity I now have are a daily reminder why it’s important to set boundaries and care for ourselves first and foremost.

I now know this: Your self-worth and self-esteem cannot depend on the validation you get from bosses, coworkers, even friends or family. If it is, you will be in a fluctuating state of elation then disappointment, then resentment, then emptiness.

But when your self-worth comes from that inner knowing that you are valuable, special and enough no matter what, you will be more centered and complete. You don’t need a pat on the head to realize you’re smart and talented – you acknowledge it every time you look in a mirror.

Of course, praise and recognition are still a welcome validation of your creativity and hard work.

But they will no longer be life support.